Shadows and Shortcuts: Where is God in the Valley of Pain?

Wow. This page is a snapshot of what my life used to be in many ways.

It's been four years since I've posted here. I've had something on my heart that I wanted to share, but life has been so hard over the past eight months, and I've experienced so much loss, that I simply haven't had the strength to post a video or livestream on social media. Since this blog still exists, this is where I'll share those thoughts.

Halloween is coming up. It's only four days away. This time of year used to be such a fun season to look forward to. There'd be pumpkin patches, corn mazes, trunk-or-treats, pumpkin carving and, of course, trick-or-treating itself. Since 2020, however, Halloween has taken on a much different tenor. I'm not going to belabor the point, but that was when my first wife sent me a text demanding a divorce while I was eagerly awaiting her to come join me when I had taken a ministry position 1,500 miles from home.

So, yeah, this season brings with it a heaviness that I never experienced before.

I got remarried in May 2025 to an incredible woman named Melinda, and we attempted to blend four of her kids with my two, making a household of eight! Long story short, by February 2026, I had lost my job as pastor of a local church, we'd lost the opportunity to buy a home and had to find somewhere else to live because our rental was being sold, my ex-wife filed a motion to change our custody agreement (wanting our two kids the majority of the time even though we'd been 50-50 for more than five years!), my mother and I became estranged due to the custody dispute, and we moved into another house that had so many problems we never even unpacked before finally moving again four months later.

Inhale.

Then, a mere two weeks after moving into a much newer and nicer home, Melinda and her kids left. It had all been too much. Blending a family of eight was hard enough. Add in all the other issues, and she needed to retreat back to family, emotional safety, and predictability.

Melinda had always thought that if she left, my ex would drop the custody dispute. She didn't. So, in the matter of a month, I went from a household of eight, to a household of three, to now seeing my kids every other weekend and being alone the vast majority of the time. And, on top of that, we're still under a lease for a home intended to accommodate eight people, but now there's only one income to pay for it. That's brought even more financial stress.

Melinda leaving also had ramifications for my ministry career. When I was hired at Open Door Church in Edenton, I believed I would be considered for the Campus Pastor position at the new campus opening in Elizabeth City in January, where I'm fairly well connected. With Melinda leaving and the possibility of becoming a twice-divorced pastor, I understood that stepping into such a visible pastoral leadership role would be complicated, especially with the possibility of another divorce. Ultimately, someone else was chosen for the position, and I believe my circumstances played a significant part in that. That's no shade on Open Door. I completely understand.

I feel like, as of now, I'm quite rudderless. Everything is in flux while I'm stuck at the same time.

It's with all of that on my heart that I share this word with you; a newer and deeper understanding of Psalm 23, which reads (in the New King James Version):

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Just last weekend, Melinda was visiting, and we took my daughter (Ava, 13) and a friend to a corn maze and haunted trail. You can take me to any haunted house, Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames production, Hallowscream, etc., and I'll have no issue because I walk in KNOWING that it's all a mirage. The actors aren't going to touch me, and the chainsaws and knives aren't real. Regardless of what I see and experience, I can tell myself beyond a SHADOW of a doubt that I'm safe.

Are you able to do that? Other than the occasional loud noise or an actor popping out around a corner, I'm not even going to be startled. It's not a superpower. It's just rational.

My question is (and it's something I've been asking myself repeatedly during this season of my life): Why can't I replicate that kind of faith in my own spiritual walk?

God's Word in Psalm 23:4 says, "...though I walk through the valley of the SHADOW of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

From Halloween 2020 through the spring of 2021, I walked through a long, dark valley, but God walked through it with me.

Yet that season doesn't seem to compare to the sheer amount of loss I've experienced since February of this year (2026). I've lost my job, lost financial independence, lost the chance to buy a home, lost a close relationship with my parents, ultimately lost stability in my marriage and, just recently, lost a substantial amount of time with my kids.

It's a valley that's been really long. It hasn't felt like a SHADOW, but more like a thick canopy that has blocked out almost every trace of light in my life.

Rather than immediately questioning God or blaming Him for my circumstances, my first inclination is to do some honest self-evaluation. What have I done to cause all of this? Have I made a series of terrible choices that brought me to where I am today? Or am I (to a much smaller degree) more like Job or Joseph, who endured one devastating circumstance after another before God redeemed their situations?

I even wrote a song chronicling these thoughts called "Damaged or Dangerous."

I digress.

Psalm 23:4 reminds us that no matter how dark the season we're walking through, the darkness doesn't have the final word. What is a shadow? It's not a physical thing. It's the absence of light, and while it can obscure what's around us, the darkness itself cannot reach out and hurt us. Does it produce more challenges? Of course! I can walk through my entire house in almost complete darkness by memory and feeling around. I may have to move more carefully, but I can still find my way. I just have to rely on what I know and trust my other senses.

In 2020–21, I did that. I leaned on an underutilized aspect of my faith: prayer. I learned a few things during that season:

• There is no straight path to healing.

• There is no "perfect way" to grieve.

• There is no wrong way to pray.

I leaned HEAVY on that last truth. I spent hours and hours walking my neighborhood, pacing in dark rooms, and just lying on the floor offering prayers filled with disbelief, anger, and despair through sobs and blurred vision. Again, I was 1,500 miles away from family and most of my friends. I was alone in the natural, trying desperately not to show my daughter (who was seven at the time) that I was emotionally demolished.

But God walked me through that dark valley.

I need to clarify something really important here: Jesus doesn't walk with us through our pain unscathed. The Bible tells us that Jesus wept when He saw others grieving (John 11:35). Think about that! Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet He still wept alongside those who were mourning. The Lord knows what's on the other side of your valley, but that doesn't make Him any less compassionate about what you're experiencing in it.

I promise you, He's not some cheerleading pace car demanding that you keep up. He doesn't stand at the other end of the valley shouting for you to hurry up and get there. He kneels beside you and weeps with you every time you crumple under the weight of it all.

Our God understands.

Although the valley I'm in today is unique in its darkness and despair, the fact that I'm surrounded by SHADOWS are no different! Don't misunderstand me. The things that brought me into this valley were real. The losses were real. The pain was real. The SHADOW is what those experiences have cast over my life. And although I can't undo what's happened, I don't have to remain trapped beneath the darkness those experiences have left behind. I just have to...keep...moving, keep following the Lord through it, which, I'll be the first to admit, I'm finding incredibly difficult to do.

I can't stay here, even if I wanted to, and trust me, wallowing in it is tempting. Screaming deep within my soul, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" may bring some temporary release, but it will never bring healing. So what happens when you're stuck there? When you don't even have the inspiration to keep moving forward?

The second half of Psalm 23:4 tells us exactly that. "Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

There's something remarkable about God likening Himself to a shepherd. In Ancient Near Eastern culture, shepherding was physically demanding, often thankless work. It's not a perfect comparison, but think of someone working a difficult, blue-collar job today. Yet, the image of a shepherd was also used to describe kings and rulers, representing their responsibility to protect, provide for, and lead their people. I find it fascinating that the God of the universe embraces both images! He doesn't simply rule from a throne. He walks with His sheep, cares for them, and protects them. Jesus even calls Himself the Good Shepherd in John 10:11!

And to make the symbolism work even better, Scripture says in Isaiah 53:6 that we (humanity) are like sheep that have gone astray. But in the context of a valley of darkness, how does a shepherd lead his sheep? With a rod and a staff.

Circumstances sometimes require a rod, sometimes a staff.

What's the difference?

A rod was something similar to a short, heavy wooden club. It was a weapon a shepherd could use to defend his sheep against predators. Imagine a shepherd carrying that club, ready to swing it at anything that threatened his flock. That's how I picture God's protection. Even as we're walking through the pain of circumstances that have already wounded us, I believe God is constantly beating back spiritual attacks and dangers we may never even recognize. His protection doesn't mean nothing can hurt us. The valley I'm walking through is proof of that! But it does mean we're not facing the enemy alone. He is our protector, not just our chaperone.

The rod defends.

So what about the staff? This is probably the object you think of when you imagine what a shepherd carries: that long stick, sometimes with a crook at the end.

While the rod was primarily used for protection, the staff helped the shepherd guide his sheep and bring them back toward safety. A shepherd could use the straight end of the staff to gently prod a sheep in the direction it needed to go. 

Sheep are prone to eat their preferred greens faster than they can regenerate and, without being led to fresh pastures (see verses 2 and 3) and clean water, they can eventually become malnourished. That is so striking once you extrapolate it to the human experience. When we're paralyzed by grief or depression, we can find ourselves stuck in a place that no longer sustains us. And sometimes we need divine intervention to help us begin moving again.

That intervention doesn't have to be some grand theophany. It might be God sending a friend, a family member, a timely sermon you hear at church, the community of a small group, or even something as simple as a worship song. Even a little bit of movement, a tiny bit of progression, can help us begin healing. Even the willingness to write this blog post, to share my story, is a sign of progression and a desire to move toward healing.

But sometimes the staff serves another purpose. A shepherd could use its curved end to help redirect a sheep that had wandered into danger. Imagine a sheep grazing a little too close to the edge of a cliff, wandering toward a venomous snake, or simply straying from the flock. The shepherd can use his staff to pull it back toward safety.

Being yanked by the neck might not be particularly pleasant for the sheep. After all, the sheep doesn't necessarily understand the danger it's in. But what might feel like an unwelcome interruption could actually be the very thing that saves its life.

The rod defends. The staff directs.

And sometimes, the crook of the staff is a blessing.

When we're at our lowest, many of us reach for something to numb the pain, and I'm no different. Some choose absolute isolation, some choose food (or, specifically, poor food choices), some choose a substance, whether it be alcohol or drugs, some choose porn. We just want something that gives us a little relief, a little pleasure, some semblance of control over a life that feels completely out of control.

It's at that point that God employs the staff. Now, do I wish that God would literally nab me by the neck, whisking me away from what He knows would hurt me? Absolutely! Does it happen that way? Of course not. Well, not if you're like me.

There's an old saying that hurt people hurt people. But sometimes, the people we're hurting most are ourselves, over and over and over again. Christ-followers know this sequence all too well. We find ourselves down, we reach for our vice, and we get a temporary respite, only to feel worse because the thing we reached for to find peace wasn't capable of providing it. It's faux peace. And sometimes, the very thing we use to numb our pain ends up creating even more of it.

Imagine lying in a hospital bed after suffering a terrible injury. You're already wounded, already hurting, and desperately wanting the pain to stop. The injury may not have been your fault at all. Maybe someone else caused it. Maybe it was an accident. Regardless, you're lying there, injured and in need of healing.

Now imagine that God, the Great Physician, is standing beside your bed, already working toward your recovery. He knows what's wrong, He knows what you need, and He's prepared to walk with you through the healing process.

Here's the problem: healing takes time. It requires patience, trust, and sometimes enduring discomfort along the way. And we don't always like that. So imagine the Physician handing you the medication you need, but when He turns around, you spit the pills into your hand and toss them away. Why? Because you've convinced yourself that you know a quicker, easier way to feel better.

Instead, you reach for a syringe filled with a powerful painkiller. You inject yourself, and within moments, the pain begins to disappear. The relief is incredible! For the first time since your injury, you feel like you can breathe again.

But there's a problem. Your bones are still broken. Your wounds are still open. And rather than allowing the Physician to treat the actual injuries, you've decided that numbing the pain is good enough. So you keep reaching for that syringe, again and again, while the injuries that brought you into the hospital remain untreated and may even grow worse.

But what have you accomplished? You haven't healed the original injury. You've simply found a way to escape the pain temporarily, while potentially introducing an entirely new problem into your life.

You've found a shortcut around the pain, not a path toward healing.

You weren't necessarily responsible for the wound that put you in the hospital bed. But now you're making choices that could make your suffering even worse.

And isn't that what some of us do spiritually? We're hurting, and God is inviting us into a process of healing, but we want something quicker. Something easier. Something we can control. And when that temporary relief wears off, we're left with the original wound and sometimes a new one we've inflicted upon ourselves.

Philip Yancey, in his book Where Is God When It Hurts?, explores something so simple yet so profound: pain can actually be a blessing because it alerts us when something is wrong.

Before you scoff at the simplicity, let me enlighten you to the profound.

Of course, if we stub our toe, we feel pain and know that hitting that table leg was the problem. But what about when someone betrays you? You experience that deep feeling of rejection, anger, and sadness. Those emotions, that pain, tell us that something is wrong. We've been wounded.

Now consider what happens when we reach for something destructive to numb that original pain. When the temporary relief wears off and we're left feeling even worse, that compounded pain may be telling us something important.

Not only was there something wrong to begin with, but what we chose to band-aid that pain may have caused even more damage.

Sometimes the pain that follows our attempts to numb the original wound is a warning that our chosen remedy is causing additional harm.

That doesn't mean every painful emotion is evidence that we've done something wrong. Grief is not a sin. Depression is not a moral failure. Sometimes we're simply hurting because something terrible happened to us. But when we find ourselves in a downward cycle, repeatedly reaching for something that leaves us worse off than before, perhaps that additional pain is trying to tell us something.

Like the crook of the shepherd's staff pulling a sheep away from danger, that discomfort can become an invitation to choose a different path. To stop reaching for what keeps hurting us and begin allowing the Great Physician to tend to the wounds we already carry.

And here's the beautiful thing: God is gracious.

He knows what it's like to be human. He understands our weakness, our pain, and our desperation for relief. He doesn't abandon us because we've failed, even when we've failed repeatedly, hurt ourselves, or hurt others. His grace doesn't mean our choices are without consequences, but it does mean our failures don't have to be the end of our story.

You truly have to believe that.

God's grace is scandalous.

Take a step toward God. Follow Him. Choose community. Choose counseling. Choose sobriety. Choose abstinence. Choose moderation where it's appropriate. Even if you take those steps inconsistently, take them. And when you stumble, take another.

With each step, perhaps that tiny light in the distance will grow brighter until we can see sunlight breaking through the canopy.

I'm preaching to myself here, but at the same time, I pray that something I've shared will give you some hope.

Remember, no matter where you are, God is there. But let's face it: we're sheep. We're prone to wander. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with what's happening around us, so determined to manage everything ourselves, that we inadvertently stray from the very One we're supposed to be following. And often, we don't recognize just how far we've wandered until the bottom falls out.

Other times, the darkness is simply so overwhelming that we struggle to recognize His presence at all.

Either way, the Shepherd hasn't abandoned us.

Look up. Stop focusing on the trash in the dirt. And if you've wandered away, turn around! The Bible calls that repentance. Choose to follow instead of trying to control everything yourself.

And don't try to control your words, your feelings, your grief, or your emotions around God. Release THEM ALL in prayer. Bring Him your anger, your disappointment, your confusion, your doubts. There's no wrong way to pray. You don't have to make your suffering sound pretty. God knows what you want to say even when the words aren't even uttered. He knows you, so you might as well let it out.

You can move through this valley. The SHADOWS don't get the final say. 

The wounds that cast these shadows were real, but the shadows don't have to define what comes next. 

We don't have to keep making that pain worse by reaching for things that only offer temporary relief.

Take one step toward God. Away from the vices, away from the things that compound the pain, and toward the Shepherd who's already reaching for you with His staff. Take hold of the crook and let Him pull you up to your feet, away from the immediate danger you're in. And even when we can't see it, I believe He's wielding His rod to beat back spiritual dangers we may never fully understand.

You are loved. You are not alone. And no matter how frightening this valley may be, you are never beyond the bounds of God's protection and care. Nothing can separate those who belong to Christ from His love (Romans 8:38–39).

The Shepherd is with you. The Great Physician hasn't left your bedside.

Take a step today.

It's been nearly two years since I've posted anything here.

It's unbelievable to see that my last post was written with so much hopeful anticipation.

In short, my life would turn upside-down just a few months later.

I was walking in a Veteran's Park a few miles from the parsonage I was living in with my daughter in Great Bend, Kansas when I got the text, "I want a divorce."

My knees crumbled as I feel into a heap on the walking path. A switch of desperation was flipped on. 

Two days later I would fly home to North Carolina, thinking I could somehow, someway salvage my marriage. I didn't know for sure what was going on.

My hopes were quickly dashed. There was no hope. The nightmare wasn't going to end at least anytime soon. I've never cried so much in my entire life. All I had was God and a few friends a phone call away.

(The tears and despair would last for about 8 months.)

I remember having to make the impossible choice to give up the ministry position I had waited NINE YEARS for in order to move back home to co-parent. I hated that word, co-parent.

Today, as I sit in a coffee shop trying to write a sermon filled with hope the station I was streaming played a song that was "in rotation" during two of the most loneliest months I ever had. 

The song is called "Anthem" by Emancipator. Take a listen and take in an audio view of my life at that time. It's definitely somber, like a scene where the main character in a movie dies. But there's more to it than that, it's chaotically hopeful while carrying a sense of sorrow at the same time.

For that time, most of the music I listened to didn't have lyrics. I had all the thoughts I needed in my own head. I couldn't bear anyone else's words at that time. Exactly the words you don't want to hear a minister say.

Those feelings mixed with what has already been a rough week threatens to knock me off kilter. But, I desperately want to look back on the journey as a season of growth and not a season of torment.

I'm not the same person I was 10, 5 or even 2 years ago. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not even the same person I was 3 months ago.

In the past, I would be knocked down, yearning to fast-forward life in sleep, hoping that I would magically feel better, that problems would go away like powering a cell phone off and on. Sometimes it works but for my situation I needed a spiritual update, my soul needed new functions.

I can confidently say that for the first time in my life, I had no choice but to pray to God, to make my faith in Jesus Christ be as real as it could be. In the midst of being broken down, grinded to dust, I became a better father, a much more empathetic person and a more well-rounded minister.

I'm glossing over a lot of mistakes that I made, a lot of begging and time wasted but I was shards and God made me into a completely different vessel that was able to carry a lot more than I could beforehand. I was remade to be stronger, able to withstand more than before. I never truly gave God the honor to remake me as the potter with clay.

But I had no choice. I gave all (which wasn't much) to God in the winter of 2020 and I stand before you now a visibly different person only because I've been remade. The Heavenly Father, in many ways, had to re-teach me how to walk because my spiritual knees were crippled on that grey day in November at Veteran's Park in Great Bend.

He can remake you, too. Don't wait until you have no choice, but even if that's where you find yourself, there's never a bad time to begin praying. Say what you want, tell God what you need to get off your chest. I promise He will meet you there. Or I will meet you there and encourage you until you can hear Him and see Him move.

For I am not invincible but with God I am, like a toothpick duct-taped to a lead pipe. And you can be, too.

May the Prince of Peace meet you where you are, may you give up what you're carrying and give God the opportunity to re-make you.

In Jesus' name.

The Wait is FINALLY Over!

This is a blog post that, if I think about it holistically, has been nearly 9 years in the making. Most people at First Christian Church, Great Bend may not know that I had been outside of full-time church ministry since October 2011. As I tell anyone who's interested, it's not for a lack of trying. I was applying for ministry positions even before I left Forest Park Church. I had two employment leads in Asheville, NC as I planned to move there regardless after Jenny and I got married. I was 29, was a Fuller graduate with a M.Div. and had grown two student ministries successfully. I thought the next job would come easily and quickly. I had people telling me, "TJ, you can go anywhere you want" and I bought into that.

Jenny and I lived in Asheville for about 18 months and then moved back closer to home (Asheville is a 6-hour drive west from the coast) after Ava was born. I struggled to find work. I was told I was overqualified for many of the positions I applied for. I was unemployed for nearly 9 months! Many first-time parents would probably love to spend that time with their child but I found it unbearable. I loved Ava but I felt so worthless. In the summer of 2013, I began to apply to ministry positions all over the country. Beforehand, I was picking locales I was familiar with (Atlanta, NC, SE and northern VA, LA, etc.). I started to apply to places I couldn't even easily find on a map.

A handful of ministries were very interested in me. I was in the discussion amongst 2-4 other candidates in Gaithersburg, MD, Virginia Beach, VA, Fort Walton Beach, FL,  and Eagle Rock, CA. After many hours of interviewing, none of those positions came to fruition.

After a couple of part-time and spot jobs, I did land an Operations Director with Chick-fil-A in Elizabeth City. For about 2.5 years I either didn't apply (or only sporadically) to ministry positions. Chick-fil-A was great experience. It was a ministry because 80% of the staff was under the age of 25 and it was retail management experience, as well. (Truth be told, the owner of that Chick-fil-A and the Senior Minister at FCC, Great Bend not only favor physically but also personality-wise. It's quite uncanny.)

Long story short there, Ian (the Chick-fil-A owner) opened another store in Georgia and the new owner brought in his own leadership team, which demoted me. Hence the reason why I began selling cars in July 2017. Pretty much the whole time I was selling cars, I was applying for ministry positions. An Associate Pastor position in Grand Rapids, MI came down to a final interview but they turned me down for lack of preaching experience.

Fast forward a year and some change and we were invited to visit a large church in Davidsonville, MD. I felt confident that I would be hired but, for some reason or another, they decided to keep the current Youth Pastor in place instead of restructuring their staff. A few months later the Senior Pastor of that church had another church in Annapolis, MD reach out to me about a ministry position. I was flattered by it and was, again, confident that a referral would only enhance my prospects. I didn't make it past a second interview.

By that time, I had grown numb to rejection. I never kept count but I would guess that I have probably applied to about 200+ churches since 2013. I had countless interviews and got the dreaded, "we love you, TJ...we think you're a great candidate but (a) we've decided to choose someone affiliated with our denomination/church or (b) the fit isn't perfect.

Many, many times I was angry at God. I was wasting prime years of my health and career toiling in retail and sales job when all I wanted was to merge my job and my calling into one. The church were we attended for 5 years always encouraged me and vowed to use me for ministry roles but I was overlooked constantly.

Fast-forward to 2019. I actually had an interview to become a Senior Pastor at a church in Washington state. This time, the fit didn't seem right to me. I was asked to fill a pulpit for a small church about 30 minutes south of where we lived. I really feel like I could've pursued and obtained that Pastor position, as well. However, again, the fit wasn't right so I removed myself from consideration.

Fast-forward to April 2020. I was laid off from my job selling cars due to COVID-19. I went on unemployment benefits for the first time in my life. I decided that I was going to apply only looking at positions and not consider the location. I called recruiters and had experts critique my cover letter and resume. It was at this point that I began getting, not a large quantity, quality inquiries. There was a point in which I thought 5 ministry positions would all be good fits and they were all VERY interested. The ministry positions were in Hershey, PA, Glen Burnie, MD, San Jose, CA, San Antonio, TX and I was told through a recruiter about a position that wasn't quite on the market yet in Great Bend, KS.

I loved the volunteers and staff team I met in Glen Burnie but they thought I wasn't a perfect personality fit. I was excited to work with the young staff team members in Hershey but they thought, ultimately, that I was overqualified for a youth ministry position. The church in San Antonio had the building and resources that most ministers would covet but they went silent after a second interview. San Jose was particularly intriguing to me.

I had spent my seminary years in Southern California and was excited about the prospect of living and service in the innovation capital of the country, perhaps the world. The church there was diverse, multi-generational and the staff members were brilliant and personable. I REALLY WANTED TO BE THERE AND TO HAVE THAT JOB!

Then I had my first interview with First Christian Church, Great Bend. 

I met with Josh, the Senior Minister, over Zoom and we seemed to jive on most current issues and in theology. I had learned to take all of these interviews with a grain of salt so I didn't put much stock intothe "good vibes." The recruiter that hooked us up with FCC kept telling me, "I think you're the perfect fit for what they're doing in Kansas."

Jenny loved the idea of Kansas, being in a small, rural, safe town. I was thinking bigger. I was thinking, "if I can succeed in the Bay Area, I can succeed anywhere."

With those competing desires from Jenny and I in mind, we decided to start praying for "one door" to open. We didn't want to have multiple offers (which sounded ridiculous since I had been told no for 8 straight years), we wanted clarity from the Lord.

I ended up having SEVEN interviews with the church in San Jose. They stretched me A LOT during that process. After my third interview with FCC Great Bend, I was invited out with the notion that there was one other candidate in the running. 

While we were visiting Great Bend, KS, I was awaiting word from the church in San Jose. And, wouldn't you know it, I received a John Deere-email (country slang for a "rejection letter) from the Administrative Pastor from San Jose.

We were all-in and actually present in Great Bend. The visit went well. We met a lot of parents and students and all the staff. They seemed to like us and the feeling was mutual. As we were riding back to the airport in Wichita, Josh (the Senior Minister) didn't give us a tremendous amount of hope. He did say, "everything went well," but we had heard that many times before.

Another thing you have to realize is that, yes, by year 6, 7 and 8 I had grown numb to the rejections but the longer it went it, the more Jenny was getting discouraged and pessimistic. Another "no" and having to start over in applying again probably would've crusher her spirit.

Two days after being back home in NC, we got the call. "We want you to come to Kansas, brother!" Josh said. 

It felt surreal.

So many people knew the struggle that I've had for the past 8-9 years. Many were praying for me and offering constant words of encouragement. And what was I feeling?

I was still numb.

Jenny would ask me, "how do you feel?" All I could tell her is that, "it's not real, yet. I'm not there. I'll feel it when I'm there."

Well...I'm here.

I still can't really put my feelings together into sentences and paragraphs.

Once again, after nearly a decade, I get to do what I love AND get paid to do it!

The people here have been nothing short of a family to me already. We have been given meals, invited over, constantly texted/called/Facetimed as if we were long-lost friends that they were so happy to have back!

For once, I feel as if I'm back, in a way.

Jenny sent me text while I was on the 1500-mile route to Great Bend that said, "I can't wait to be with you in Kansas and see you as the man I married." I was only a pastor when we were dating. That was kept from me, while depression was an unwanted gift for a few years.

I'm writing this in my new office (which is even surreal to say) as a man renewed. Everyone kept telling me to trust in God's timing. I rolled my eyes at that for so long on the inside but, truthfully, I wasn't ready in 2013 or 2014. I wasn't really coachable. I had been successful but I needed to be humbled.

I am now.

I am beyond thankful. It wasn't a perfect story but nothing involving humanity is.

I live in Kansas now and I'm thankful to be here. Even more than that, I'm ready to make up for lost time LOL.

For those who have encouraged me, prayed for me, supported me....thank you so much!

For those who put up with me, to my family who didn't get the option to choose being related to me, thank you!

To those who have welcomed me in Great Bend, thank you!

To God be the glory!

People are God's Priority

For the past 5 weeks, I've been teaching this course at Fountain of Life called "Just Walk Across the Room" by Bill Hybels. It has been a privilege to see and speak into the lives of those who really want to be an honorable ambassador of Christ.

This past week I taught on how "people are God's priority."

That's a line you can quickly read over and not think twice about.

I will repeat that line after I share a few thoughts.

When Adam & Eve disobeyed God in the garden, God did not distance Himself from them but He pursued them!

When Jesus was being beaten, mocked and having his clothes ripped from his body while his hands and feet were being nailed into the cross, he could've cursed them, freed himself and brought unspeakable calamity on all those around BUT HE DIDN'T.

He said, "FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO!"

When Jesus was lifted up, he took the time to usher one of the criminals on another cross beside him into eternity by saying, "surely, you will be with me in paradise."

There's NOTHING that Jesus wasn't willing to give up for humanity.

The godliest and most Christ-like trait you can ever develop is to trust God with your health, wealth and well-being (everything in your periphery, everything you can easily see) and love others regardless of the situation you find yourself in.

When people hurt you, Christ tells you to pray for them.

When people lie to you, He asks you to speak truth in love.

When people betray your trust, He asks you to forgive them as He has forgiven you.

If you don't personally know Jesus as your Savior, then know that you have infinite value.

As Bill says, "you can only bring one thing with you to heaven and that's other PEOPLE."

How much do you love other people? The closer to God, the more you care for people.

In fact, if you don't care about people, I can assure you you're not close to God; it's that simple.

"While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us."

Let that sink in.

People are God's priority.

I'll leave you with this: God's love displayed through Jesus Christ is the only thing that can heal a broken heart and straighten out evil tendencies.

Why is it that the vast majority of inmates who are released from prison end up finding their way back to prison?

Why is the death penalty seemingly not a deterrent for violent crime?

Why did Jesus say the most important things you can do is worship God and love others as yourself?

That's because any version of any law (local, state, federal, Judaic, self-imposed, etc) can and will not reform any heart. Only the love of God, which is and was expressed perfectly through Jesus, can do that.

Your heart is God's priority, not your actions. We can all fake our actions and our intentions but you cannot fake your heart to a God that sees and hearts your monologue.

If you don't know Christ, stop following the rules and start following Jesus.

If you're a Christ-follower, stop worrying about your periphery and start reaching people, loving on people, forgiving people and serving people as Christ has done, is doing and will forever do for you.

Make people your priority and you'll find yourself square in God's will.

$h*+ in the Savior's mouth

Make sure you read this post to the end. You won't regret it.

Also, please excuse the vulgar nature of the title, but soon, it will all make sense. Plus, in my opinion, alliteration is awesome. (See what I did there?)

I have a routine I go through at work. I listen to the Newspring Church app in the morning and ESPN Radio in the afternoon. If you've never listened to/watched Perry Noble online, I would suggest you do so. (Download from the app store or check out newspring.cc) His transparency and relevant nature are so refreshing.

Two days ago I was listening to a message series from October 2011. Clayton King, the teaching pastor of Newspring, gave five symbols from the Old Testament that were realized at the crucifixion of Christ. I could go through all five but the last one was, by far, the strongest and most impacting.

Let's read the scriptures together:

John 19:28-30

The Death of Jesus

²⁸ Jesus knew that his mission was now finished, and to fulfill Scripture he said, “I am thirsty.” ²⁹ A jar of sour wine was sitting there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. ³⁰ When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and released his spirit.

Jesus had already been beaten, ridiculed, carried His cross, was nailed to it and was now about to die.

"I am thirsty," Jesus says. After going through such torment and knowing that the end of His earthly life was near, perhaps Jesus desired a touch of water on His tongue as a ever-so-temporary respite from His suffering.

With the representation of Roman officials and soldiers, it would almost be a certainty that someone had water to drink.

Would any of the Roman soldiers offer a taste of water as literally Jesus' last wish?

Unfortunately, no.

What they gave him epitomizes what we humans still offer to God as if what we have is valuable to Him other than our hearts.

Check out verse 29 above. They gave him sour wine on a sponge attached to a hyssop branch.

Sour wine. Not a very good thirst quencher, eh?

Is this basically one last cruel prank?

No. 

Let's dig deeper.

The Old Testament connection to the hyssop branch would've been very noticeable to Orthodox Jews since it was the same instrument commanded to put blood on the doorposts of the Israelites' home right before the Passover. The blood of the sacrificial lamb that they were to slaughter was to be the symbol for God to spare, save or pass over that particular home. 

This was the final sign from God before the Israelites were to be released from captivity in Egypt.

Jesus, in the totality of His power, did the same thing for humanity on the cross. His blood sacrifice covers all of our sin; past, present and future.

That, of course, is powerful but what I heard next blew my mind!

Stay with me.

Hyssop branches, sponges and sour wine (or wine vinegar) were used as a specific cleaning system for a particular reason.

Even in those days, it was common for Roman officials and wealthy alike to go to bath houses. If you're young, you may not even know what a "bath house" is.

Like that pictured above, it would be a place to bathe, relax and socialize. It would be like going to the YMCA, laying in a pool, roasting in a sauna and hanging out in the locker room with other guys.

In those days there weren't toilets as we have them that magically made our poop disappear in a forgettable abyss of waste. Toilet paper wasn't invented until the 1500s.

What was a rich or influential man to do?

Who would clean the stench from his backside for him?

Servants would.

What would they use?

You guessed it. A sponge doused in wine vinegar.

The wine vinegar was used as a cleaning agent and the sponges would simply be rinsed in it after every use.

You may be thinking, "The setting of the crucifixion was hardly a bath house, so why was wine vinegar there?"

Aside from being a basic cleaning system, it's common for people to defecate (or poop) on themselves after death. When you die you lose control over your sphincters and the ability to withhold gas and excrement (or poop).

Is it becoming clearer now?

Instead of offering Jesus water at his request, they offered him dirty wine vinegar that had been used to wipe others' @$$es!

Imagine that!

Jesus, the Son and Lamb of God and Savior of the world got a mouth full of crap before He died. The last thing he tasted was the waste of humanity, which, I could surmise, is exactly what He felt like!

Sometimes I feel like that's me. When I don't get what I want, I question God. I tell Him all the things I've done to deserve something better than I've received.

Essentially, I'm saying my deeds should be worth something to Him when my "good deeds" are like filthy rags to Him. (Isaiah 64:6, Phillipians 3:8) Or filthy sponges.

When I sin or when I complain, I now have the symbolism of my disregard for Jesus' worth being like putting my $h*+ in his mouth.

Anything less than praise, adoration and love for Jesus is the same, in my opinion, as what the Roman soldiers did that day. Simply put.

What do you think? Does this revolutionize, in a sense, the way you look at the crucifixion?

Hit me with your thoughts. Thanks for reading. Love you all!

Intro to the 1 Accord Project

(Images & logo will be uploaded later, but feel free to read on...)

About 5 months ago was the peak of activity for a new ministry that has been on my heart for about a year and a half.

The vision wasn't for another church. (There are enough churches. Couldn't we all agree?)

In fact, it's kind of unsettling within me when I hear the word church to describe either a church building or a ministry. In it's truest, biblical form the word "church" is best defined as the collection of every Christ-follower.

If you really wanted a strict definition from me, it would be this: the ONLY Christian church is the universal church. These groups of believers that make up what are commonly known as "churches" are simply part of the true church.

In my opinion, "churches" as we know them are fractions of the church or calling them ministry centers would be even more accurate.

Have I lost you yet?

Of course, I don't despise the usage of the word "church" in common venacular, I just think it is misleading and steers away from a much more beautiful idea.

And, I believe in my core, that the biblical idea of church has been, at worst, at worst and, at best, making a slow resurgence in the local culture of Elizabeth City, NC.

There are churches who are looking to reach outside the confines of their buildings. There are few others who are looking to partner with other churches in order to make a bigger impact.

In a nutshell, that is what I see the 1 Accord Project doing:

Partnering churches together for a deeper and wider impact in our city.

For most of you (outside of about 30-40 people), this may be the first time you've ever heard that Jenny and I were considering starting a ministry.

It would be what is known as a parachurch ministry, which is simply a ministry that works alongside of the church and is not a replacement for a faith community.

Speaking of such, there are over 100 churches in Elizabeth City. Few are large (say more than 200 people), many have less than 100 average attendees (some have 20-40).

There are more black churches than there are white churches. 

(And yes, just like Martin Luther King, Jr. said more than 40 years ago, Sunday is still the most segregated time in our city.Think about it. Have you ever been to a church more than once or twice of another racial makeup?)

There is a 1-square mile near downtown that has a whopping 20 churches!!

Here's the heart of the 1 Accord Project (in the form of questions):

• What if churches worked together?
• What if the Church (as defined  before) came together and combined their efforts, finances and prayer towards the same goals in EC?
• What if these resources could be combined and sent to organizations like the food bank, homeless shelters, pregnancy centers, etc?
• What if Christ-followers from all different churches volunteered together at those non-profits not as members of "so-and-so church" but as Christ-followers?
• What if churches sent their people on mission trips with other churches for a greater world impact?

Doesn't that sound like the true ministry of the church?

One question that's been sitting in my spirit for a week is this:

How has the church made the simple but incorrect twist that the Great Commission ("Go into all the world and make disciples...") is all about having people (preferrably ones not connected to a church) "come and see" what's going on at your church from the true meaning of THE CHURCH "going, doing and telling?"

"SOUNDS GREAT! LET'S GO!!"

Hold tight. Most of us are not ready.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? GET 'EM TOGETHER AND LET'S GO!"

It is my firm belief that not only does the church not do enough in their local communities (and even less together with other churches), but that when they do go their people aren't ready anyway.

Let me give you an example.

I set up a simple outreach on the Outer Banks about a decade ago where our students from Asheville would hand out bottled water (that, of course, had scripture taped over the label) to anyone who wanted one on the beach.

Tracts are awkward. Scripture on a bottle of water is less awkward, right?

Although that may be true, one glaring fact remained after our "outreach."

Not one of us engaged in a meaningful conversation with a person that we gave a bottle to. We had some ask, "what church do y'all go to?" But, other than that, not much.

That's disappointing but, I should've counted myself relieved.

"Relieved?! Why?"

My students weren't ready.  They had a simple job that was carried out with a church t-shirt on. Anybody could've done it. But few of them were ready, as Peter says,

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." (1 Peter 3:15)

When you do outreach you need to have your stories straight: God's story (what the Bible teaches us) and our story (how Christ has changed our lives).

As part of 1 Accord, I developed a 3-month seminar that teaches Christ-followers four basic things (or the 4 G's):

1. The basics of the gospel and God's Word
2. How to live a God-honoring lifestyle and why it's important
3. How to craft your story and discover your unique gifts
4. How to utilize those gifts in order to go, serve and share your faith

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That gap in space represents the past 5 months since we have temporarily halted the launch of the 1 Accord Project.

Jenny and I are still searching for a church home and sincerely believe that within the confines of a thriving ministry is where 1 Accord belongs.

Also, we praying for Christ-followers to have the same burning desire that we have.

Who cares where people go to church? The most important thing is actually showing and sharing the power of Christ to our community, is it not?

That power is not displayed by a message, music or small groups, is it?

It is when the believers leave the church building and act as the CHURCH. Fully armed and ready to serve.

Church attendance has little to do with community impact if the people within a church building only bring people to church in order for the pastor or preacher to convince them to faith.

Mmm. I would love to see a diverse Church, with unlimited power (through God's Spirit) and burgeoning resources to come together for the good of EC, not the good of their church.

I'll leave you with this.

If Jesus Christ is the image of the invisible God, then what is the Church?

Are we not the image of the (now) invisible Jesus?

If that's true, how could we do ministry as a Church together differently so that everyone in our city knows that the Church is a powerful, graceful, merciful and generous entity just as the God they serve?

That's gets me going. I think about that every time I drive through Elizabeth City.

How about you?

Exodus 1: Mel Gibson, Lying and God's Ethics

After William Wallace is betrayed by his fellow Scotsmen Mornay and Lachlan on the battlefield of Falkirk against the British, he avenges their treachery by killing them in cold blood. Before the next battle, another nobleman named Craig, who had ties to Mornay and Lachlan is brought to Wallace.



When grilled by Wallace about his allegiance to King Longshanks of England, Craig responded by saying, "An oath to a liar is no oath at all."
 

That makes sense, I guess.

In another, less gorey Mel Gibson movie, Bret Maverick lounges in a hot tub. His father questions him about tricking the Commodore, one of the film's antagonist, in the final action scene of the movie. In a classic line, Bret replies, "My pappi always said, 'There's no more deeply moving religious experience than cheating a cheater."'

I love that line.

The implication I'm going to make on today's post will, most likely, be controversial to some of my more conservative friends but, at least, we can get a good laugh (or smile, if you're too serious).

I believe these two quotes are applicable to an obscure implication buried in Exodus 1:15-21.

Read it here, if you'd like.

Jacob, Joseph and all of his brothers have died and there's a new pharaoh who not only doesn't care about their descendants but desires to suppress their growth by forcing them into slavery. When he sees that God's favor is still on the Israelites and that their population keeps growing, pharaoh commands something dispicable from his midwives.

Pharaoh commands: "When you are helping the Hebrew women during childbirth, if you see that the baby is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live.” (verse 16)

I could completely twist Scripture and say that this is the first recorded instance of abortion, but how would midwives recognize the gender of a newborn without seeing it with their technological limitations, I'd like to know?

What pharaoh is commanding is more like infanticide (not much different than abortion, in my humble opinion), in the likes of Kermit Gosnell, who was found guilty of killing seven newborns last year. The midwives were supposed to sabotage the childbirth and assure that the newborn boys would die. 

How? The Bible isn't clear.

This post is not about abortion, however. I want to focus on what happens next.  The midwives, who feared God, decided to let the baby boys live. (verse 17) When interrogated by pharaoh as to why they disobeyed his orders, the midwives replied, "the boys were already born when we got there." (verses 18-19)

Did the midwives lie?

Yes. It's easy to deduce from the passage that the midwives were in position to fulfill pharaoh's orders but didn't because they were fearful of God.

Did God permit the midwives to lie in order to save baby's lives?

It seems so because God did not react negatively to their deception. In fact, God blessed them by "giving them families of their own." (verse 21)

Is God going against his own nature or is there another explanation as to why God allowed a sin to cover up a sin?

Explanation #1: God makes an exception, leaving the biblical laws as we know them much more fluid in their interpretations. Translation: God may ignore certain sins sometimes because they are not serious and/or do not cause obvious harm.

I don't believe that for a second.

Explanation #2: The Law of Moses, which includes the Ten Commandments, isn't given to the people of Israel until AFTER leaving Egypt in Exodus 20.  (Lying, or bearing false witness, etc, is the ninth commandment.) If the law had not be enacted yet, then could Israelites be held accountable for lying? If that's the case, then perhaps that's why it was permissible for Abraham to lie about Sarah being his sister and not his wife on two occasions. (Genesis 12 & 20)

Seems plausible, right?










Explanation #3: Conservative-leaning types, you may want to look away. Perhaps God is not limited to the Bible (the Bible is the Word of God but not the totality of God) and is able to intercede in certain circumstances in which the objective is to eliminate a common enemy at any cost. How else could Christ-followers ever partake in war, for example?

I realize that my explanations are very vague, but doesn't that lead you to question certain things?

Questions such as:

Does God permit sinful actions in certain situations when doing so would prevent a greater evil?

Now THAT is a can of worms that many many theologians have debated for decades.

The quintessential case of situational ethics is presented with the story of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer was a devoted Christ-follower and Lutheran pastor in Germany during the Nazi regime. Going against common Christian pacifism, he decided that assassinating Hitler (even though that would be a sin against God) was worth it to prevent further slaughter of the Jews. He eventually was imprisoned and killed by the Nazis. The battlefield for his soul in dealing with the decision to kill or to remain passive is evident in his letters from prison aptly titled, "Letters and Papers from Prison."

I know what some of you are thinking:

"Where do you draw the line?"

"If the Bible isn't clear on what sins are greater than others, how can we decide to do a lesser sin to prevent a greater sin?"

Fair questions, indeed.

As for the second question, I do believe the Bible gives an indication of what sins are more egregious to God than others. This will be a topic of a future post but if you'd like to read ahead, take a look at Ezekiel 8.

But for now, I'd like to know what you think on situational ethics? Apart from telling "white lies," what biblical justification have you found to support or utterly deny that God would allow a small sin to cover up another?